When I was a kid I had nightmares in which imagined I was breastfeeding a child. Strange dreams that haunted me and caused me feelings of discomfort and awkwardness. Pregnant with my first child, I promised myself not to think about it. And so it was until the moment when, after being born, my oldest son was placed on my chest with a white cap, still covered in blood. It was in that moment that, after a normal delivery and a tiny baby latched on to my breast (which was all he needed to keep alive and strive), I became aware of my condition: I’m a mammal.
It took a while for me to feel in harmony with this animal side of myself. At first, the idea of being essential to my son’s survival smothered me. After, it hurt. Then it made me very tired. Slowly, I began to discover the pleasure involved in those moments. And yet it was, I must confess, a solitary and almost ashamed voyage, due to other people’s comments that enough was enough, that the boy was addicted to the breast, and that if I didn’t sleep it was all my fault. I also found out that this thing called motherhood can be riddled with guilt and to these first feelings I finally succumbed.
Eight years have passed, my son grew to become a big boy, a lovely boy, who continued to sleep badly even eating a varied diet, and I ventured into having a second child, now as a single mother, unemployed, and under the rumor that the most severe crisis of all time was impending.
A conscious and happy mammal, there I was, after giving birth naturally to my second child, with that little creature glued to my breast. But this time no one would fool me. My milk would provide for my son for as long as the both of us wanted, I would nurse him proudly before the gaze of others and would enjoy every second of this moment of love, this extension of creation, this boundless link. And my now oldest son became my main supporter.
I am a mother, and in between, I am still a journalist. I’m 34. I’m suburban and I’m spoiled. I’m a mammal. That is my essence.
(translated by Sara Fevereiro)
